The Gift of Being the Oven
When Ruth Crane was 21, she saw a print ad soliciting for surrogates. The young mom got excited. This was her chance to help other people, while bringing in much-needed income for her own family. Despite this early enthusiasm, Ruth’s surrogacy journey didn’t actually begin until she was much older, financially stable, and a Navy veteran married to an active-duty sailor.
Like many gestational carriers, Ruth had no experience dealing with the intricacies of IVF. “Learning about the science behind ART technology was fascinating for me. But the best part about being a surrogate that first time was experiencing the bond with a couple, that nobody else would ever have,” she says.
Ruth carried a baby for an international couple, who were the same age as she. They grew very close, and remain close to this day, three years after the baby was born. “I loved the baby, but never got attached. I was more attached to the couple,” Ruth explains.
Like Ruth, Lucie Piper was already a mom when her surrogacy journey started. A social worker, Lucie is a military spouse whose husband served in the Marines. The young mother of three married her high school sweetheart, and got pregnant easily, each time. It was those easy conceptions and pregnancies that propelled her kid brother to ask her to be his and his husband’s surrogate, when they decided they wanted a family. “At first, my brother asked me to donate my eggs. After much soul searching, I knew that being his egg donor would not work for me emotionally. But, I was happily able to give them the gift of being the oven,” she says. The two siblings are close, and see each other almost every day. Lucie’s generous gift meant that her brother could forgo getting a surrogate through an agency, plus provided him the opportunity to be there for many important pregnancy milestones.
Lucie’s and her brother’s journey took them to Portugal, during the pandemic. After many ups, downs, and failed attempts, she is currently pregnant, and in her second trimester. “Those first tries that didn’t take made me feel like my body had failed. You just can’t comprehend ahead of time how you’ll feel when it doesn’t work,” she says.
Ruth, too, had surrogacy challenges. “I continued to have the desire to want to help people, in a special and unique way.” She went on to try again, this time for a same-sex couple in the U.S., but the second time wasn’t a charm. Ruth had three failed cycles, and experienced the deep highs and lows that often earmark this journey for intended parents. “I was so invested in the outcome but still wondered, ‘Am I allowed to feel upset? Because the embryos weren’t mine.’”
Surrogacy success rates vary from country to country, and from clinic to clinic. Accurate data for this most recent year is hard to come by, but many reproductive endocrinologists worldwide estimate that approximately 60-75 percent of all surrogacy cycles work, resulting in a live birth. Once pregnant, the vast majority of surrogates give birth to healthy babies. Surrogacy, when medically supervised, is not only a beautiful way to make a family, it’s also safe and effective.
Even so, it doesn’t always work. When it doesn’t, the surrogate, as well as the intended parents, ride the emotional roller coaster and feel that pain. Much is written about the giddy highs and devastating lows of intended parents who are working with a surrogate. Less is written about the emotional journey that the surrogates themselves go through.
Today, Lucie and Ruth are happy, fulfilled women who continue to serve, both as surrogates and as military spouses. In fact, Ruth will be serving as a traditional surrogate for a couple, and this journey is independent, meaning they will not utilize an agency. They both feel that surrogacy was one of the most meaningful pieces of their life experience, and want to help other women, as well as intended parents, who are considering surrogacy. Their advice?
“Don’t be naïve going in. Transfers don’t always work, and things can still go wrong. Even so, the thrill of helping others become parents, who aren’t able to do so without this amazing form of help, is life altering,” says Ruth.
“If you’re planning on being a surrogate for a family member, you must get comfortable with what’s uncomfortable. Have those candid conversations ahead of time, and be transparent about your feelings and needs. Don’t say you’re comfortable with something you don’t want to do. Make sure you have lawyers who can draft everything up for you. And be prepared to feel your feelings,” says Lucie.
Surrogacy is an unparalleled gift, but one you must be prepared for, both body, and soul.