Talking to Extended Family About Third Party Reproduction—Should You or Shouldn’t You?
Whether your holidays are virtual or up close and personal, time spent with extended family is bound to bring up questions that may feel sticky, if you’re not prepared to answer them. If, how, and when you’re planning on starting or adding to your family is going to be a topic of conversation held round the eggnog, either with you, or without you. No matter where you are on your family building path, how this conversation transpires should be totally up to you.
Dealing with the in-laws, aunts, uncles and cousins can be tricky. We reached out to Carolyn Berger, LCSW, for her ideas. Carolyn is a long-time champion of people in pursuit of family. She’s a savvy educator who built her own family through ART and adoption.
YMM: In your experience, do most people who use egg and sperm donors let their extended family members know? Why or why not?
CB: “Many parents tell their extended family about the nature of their child’s conception. If the parents plan to tell the child — and research show this is a good idea — they are more likely to tell extended family, too. Why? Because once the child knows, they are likely to tell extended family members about their origins. Parents want family members to be prepared for this.
Some parents don’t let others in their family know. This may be because they have decided not to let their child know. They wouldn’t want extended family members to accidently reveal something that has been kept a secret from the child.”
YMM: What are the benefits of disclosure to extended family?
CB: “Disclosing, or ‘telling’ helps extended family feel part of the child’s life, in a genuine way. Because they have been told, they are unlikely to say anything negative about the child’s origins. They are not going to look at the child and wonder out loud where she got her blue eyes or her curly blonde hair. Be sure to give your extended family time to mull over your family building news and be open to any questions they may have.”
YMM: What are the downfalls of disclosure?
CB: “If extended family members don’t consider the child’s donor origins to be a positive thing, they may transmit these feelings to the child. This may have a negative effect on the child’s self-esteem, and sense of self as a true member of the family. It can also create a rift between the child’s parents and extended family. It’s important to note that it’s not at all unusual for an extended family’s negativity to become positivity, once the baby is born. A naysaying grandma may be the very first one in the door with an insane number of presents and broad smiles, once that baby comes home.”
YMM: When extended family members are told, what are the typical results and comments that intended parents may expect?
CB: “When extended families are told, there can be a range of responses. They may join with the parents, feeling excited and looking forward to welcoming a new family member. They may express relief that the parents’ family building journey is culminating with a baby on the way, after years of trying for a pregnancy.
They may also have other emotions. For example, they may worry that the child will never fit in, and will want to find their donor. Again, many of these worries may disappear, once the baby has arrived. In the meantime, consider giving guidance. I strongly recommend reading We Are Family: The Modern Transformation of Parents and Children, by Susan Golombok (2020). It’s a highly informative and insightful book that covers donor conception and surrogacy, as well as how these family-building technologies affect all parties involved.”
YMM: Surrogacy—this one is harder to sweep under the rug, even if that is the intended parents’ preference. Gay male couples or singles don’t really have the option of hiding the surrogacy experience. But for intended parents’ who are straight and for single women, what is the common reaction from extended family members to having a baby or babies with the help of a surrogate?
CB: “A common reaction is fear - extended family members may be afraid that the surrogate will want to keep the child. It’s important to educate your family members about the legalities that protect both the parents and the surrogate. And, of course, it’s also important to make sure you safeguard your child legally, against this scenario occurring.
It’s up to the parents and the surrogate to decide what place they want to have in each other’s lives going forward. If the surrogate is to remain a part of the parents’ and child’s lives, the parents will want to discuss this with their extended families. Hopefully, their family members will welcome the surrogate as someone who played a pivotal role in bringing a child into the family.
Building your family with the help of donors and surrogates is more commonplace than it was many years ago. Your family’s responses to your desire or need to create your family this way may surprise you. They have probably been exposed to countless, happy stories in the media about beautiful families created this way. They may also have friends who have gone through this experience. One way or the other, it is up to you to decide what to share, what to withhold, and how to cope with your family’s reactions. You get to set the tone! If you feel good about your family building model, others are likely to follow suit.
Carolyn Berger, LCSW is a clinical social worker and therapist practicing in Larchmont, New York and in the New York City metro area. She is the Founding Board Chair of The American Fertility Association, a member of The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) and ASRM's Mental Health Professional Group.
References:
Carone, N., et al. Children’s exploration of their surrogacy origins in gay two-father families: longitudinal associations with child attachment security and parental scaffolding during discussions about conception. (2020). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32076415/
Harper, J.C., et al. The end of donor anonymity: how genetic testing is likely to drive anonymous gamete donation out of business. (2016). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27073260/